The Great Chennai City Guide ~ over a Cuppa Filter Cofeee and Saambhar Vadai.

Having lived in the overwhelming metropolis of Chennai for almost two years, here are some survival tips, general information, do's and don'ts  for newbies:

The moment you step outside into the open, you ll realize with immediate effect that Chennai is a beautiful city with all three climates ~ hot, Hotter, HOTTEST! These three seasons rotate cyclically without leaving the slightest probability for the occurrence of  intermittent showers for months together. In case such showers occur, the temperature goes down by a half or quarter degree. But your Machan friend will tell you that you have no cause to worry; all Chennaiites are fervently praying for relief from the intense cold. But till then you could use his spare monkey cap and Blazer.
You could opt for the public transport to reach your place. These buses are quite economical and the MTC has made all possible arrangements for the ease of passengers. In case you don't know Tamil, you could read the bilingual electronic boards on the buses that exhibit the end destination as well as the route of the bus. Err.. that is if you are lucky enough and your timing matches the English version of the essay exhibit that scrolls at a speed slower than the proverbial snail. Else you can run behind the bus waiting for the Tamil version to end which, to happen, will take an eternity. But even for such a contingency, passengers could use the brilliant system of bus numbers*.  
*Conditions Apply: Unless you want to prolong your trip or escalate its status to one of adventure, I would advice you to be doubly careful with numbers. Eg. E18 bus goes to Guduvanchery, whereas 18E goes to Ramapuram  and both places are almost 50 kms. apart. Oh! Also watch out for the bus number crossed by a thin almost invisible line, which means that the bus will go to yet another location.

Chennai is a very helpful city. An angel with the khaki unbuttoned shirt would have loaded your luggage in his auto even before you considered it as an option. Please have at least the minimum sense of courtesy, say: "Nandri Anna" (meaning Thanks Brother). "Enge Ponum?", he will ask. (Where do you want to go?). And then you will realize that not all that glitters is gold. My advise: Say Courtesy, my foot and start haggling! The auto-drivers will have you believe all the following things:  All the roads in Chennai are one ways. All are jammed, some accident has taken place on all the roads due to which a round-about route has to be resorted to, all are heavily manned by police. There are no U turns and the CM's parade is passing through all the flyovers and underpasses at the same time. The auto-drivers live by the adage, I am I. Their application of logic is by no means questionable.
According to them it will cost you less to call an auto from the stand than to hire a returning one that happens to cross your residence! The closer you are to your destination, the more the charges! ~ are mere snippets doctrines that I have always been at a loss to explain and my auto-wallah is tired of explaining it to me.

The confusing pandemonium that the roads in Chennai are has been beautifully explained on an earlier post here. Negotiating the traffic might be a term anywhere else, but people in Chennai take it too seriously. In fact here most people are busy negotiating rather than driving. I have, on many an occasion seen traffic held up due to a negotiation, either friendly or otherwise between two bus-drivers or auto-wallahs. But after all civility is a thing ~ especially among neighbors (which sometimes even extends to their dogs that they take around with them) ~ that you can't really accuse that they inadvertently cause blocks and once in a while accidents too!! So please beware when you are taking a shortcut through Mylapore or Annanagar. Or better buy a road-roller for a vehicle. (Side-effects: The vehicle will drink petrol like Pepsi and you better start a bit early. But after all its risk-less, a concept that appeals to all middle-class Chennaiites)

One must not miss the opportunity to taste the sambhar-vadai, or the half-a-million varieties of Dosais or the Filter coffee at reputed chains like the Saravana Bhavan etc. You must place your order ~ if you can call it an order ~ by almost begging for food, reminding the waiter every time he passes by your place and in some situations even buttering him up a bit!! In case you decide to tell him to hurry up as you have to go somewhere, better be prepared with a story to back your statement up as the chances are high that the waiter may ask you the reason too. (Don't worry, the process is very similar to the way you ask for leave from your boss) But as I said times are changing and the process is being refined. I am sure that in a  couple of years people who want to have food in such restaurants might well be expected to bring in an application letter for being allotted a table along with a letter addressed to the waiter substituting the practice of ordering.

And at the end of all this begging, waiting, understanding...they will say "Chennai Super Kings k aaghe whistle podu" The voice sounds familiar though the appearance of Ranchi cricketer MS Dhoni in a lungi is a compliment in disguise to the typically non-superfluous ways of this city. And then you suddenly realize that no matter what, there is a strange flavor to this city - the saltiness of its Marina beach, the busy High Court inter-junction, the sweat of its sultry heat, the familiar 'dae machan', the rush at Satyam, the MCD at Skywalk, the temple at Mylapore, the delicious smell at the Vasantha Bhavan in Tambaram, the interiors at the Barbecue Nation near T.Nagar......... there is something about this city that sticks on to you.
So Chennai k Aaghe Nejama whistle podalam ne nanikeren!! Pode MaCHA  (I think, Chennai deserves a whistle after all, Come on Man!!!) Apidi pode ....... pode .....pode ..... Apidi pode ..........

*This post is dedicated to the loving memory of my dearest friends Sathyanarayanan (Sato) and Ravi Shankar (Bhaiyya), both of whom I lost on the 23rd of May, 2010. You both will continue to live in my heart now and for ever for without your point of view, I could have never loved Chennai even as much as I do. May you both rest in peace.